One Year Old!

Dear Maggie,

Happy birthday baby girl! I can't believe you are one year old. I can no longer say, as I am fond of saying, that this time one year ago you were inside my belly.  As much as I like to say that I find a comfort for some reason in knowing that from now on to forever one year ago you were in my arms and in my life. I love you so much Maggie! You are snuggly and smiley and spunky and sweat. I love you and you love me. Tonight as I rocked you to sleep I told you thank you for trusting me to be your mommy. I don't know how it works in the pre-mortal life and if you really had a say in who would be your mommy or not, but I am glad that I got you. And even if you didn't have a say in the pre-mortal life I am grateful for the last year that you trusted me to be your mommy. I was really overwhelmed to be having another baby since your brother was still a baby when you were born. There were times when I doubted my decision to have you so soon and I felt guilty because I didn't feel like I was giving you the love and time and attention you deserved. And in these moments I would look at you and you never looked distressed or upset or like you didn't feel you were getting what you deserved. You always looked at me in a way that made me feel like you knew I would take care of you and that you felt like you belonged with us and I got so much comfort from that. And you were right baby girl. You do belong with us and I do love you and I want nothing more than to take such good care of you. Thank you for sticking with me. I am so very grateful that you are mine. And I am so grateful that I have forever and always to love you.

We celebrated your birthday all weekend. Yesterday we invited friends over and had fruit and cake and ice cream. Lisel and Annie and Meg and Blonde Rachel and Janet came with their kids. Everyone oohed and awed over you and your sweetness. They were especially enamored by your walking. You do look so very cute when you walk. You did just what you were supposed to with your cupcake and you ended up with chocolate frosting all over your face and down the back of your neck. Today we spent the morning at home and it was nice. Then you and I went to church while Max napped and daddy stayed with him. (You napped for a bit too. But then we laid Max down and after about ten minutes of quiet we heard you making some noises. When we went to check Max was jumping in his bed and you were standing in yours looking at him and smiling and talking. It is impossible to get the two of you to nap in the same room at the same time.) I loved spending time with you at church. At 2:29, the time you were born one year ago, I took you in to the hall and sang to you and took pictures of you and of you and me. Happy Birth-minute sweet girl! Nathan and Becky and all their boys came for dinner along with aunt Joydell. Aunt Militza was going to come with her family but she had to work. And Uncle Travis was on his way with his family but it was a snow storm and they had to turn around and go home. They were really sad. You know a year ago when you were born it was a freakishly warm January. We left the hospital with you wearing t-shirts. Today was what I imagined your birthday would be like a year ago - lots of snow! I made you a giant cupcake and I iced it in purple frosting with sprinkles. You looked really cute next to it. And you looked at it a lot but you weren't interested in eating it tonight. I think partly because so many people were looking at you and you felt nervous and partly because your brother interrupted your nap and you were getting really tired. Your brother was happy when you didn't eat it because then he got to. I was proud of him for at least giving you a chance at it first. After everyone left you played for a little bit. You rode on your wooden horse in the hall (I pushed you) and you climbed on and off of your brothers chair (we ordered you one for your Birthday but it hasn't made it here yet) and then it was time for you to go to sleep. You were so tired you fell asleep right away. But I held you and rocked you for a long time anyway. That was my present to myself on your Birthday. My mind floated up the hill to the hospital room where you and I stayed a year ago after you were born. You were so little and warm and new then and I didn't really know you yet. Now you are still little and warm but you are also soft and round and full of life and we have had a year of memories and you have wormed your way so deeply into my heart that I have tears in my eyes thinking about how much I love you and the year we have had together and the thoughts of the future with you.

Happy Birthday my sweet baby girl. You are my dream come true.

Love,

Mama

Dear Maggie,

I just wanted to take a minute and tell you some of my favorite things about you right now. You wave to people. You wave back when they wave at you. And sometimes, with daddy especially, you wave when they walk by you. It is so sweet. You wave by opening and closing your hand. You give kisses. You kiss right on the lips mostly, and sometimes on the cheeks. You pucker your lips and sometimes even make a sound with it. So sweet. You give the best hugs. You are such a little cuddler. I adore it. Recently you started to be scarred of some things. Like the sound the bathtub makes when it is draining. Or noisy toys. When you get scarred you come to me. I hate for you to be scarred, but I do love being able to rescue you. You take a couple of steps here and there. I think you could walk if you wanted to, but I don't think you know that. You have the best smile. It is so precious. And you giggle. Also, you still play shy sometimes, even with me and daddy. You are the perfect combination of sugar and spice. I love the energy you add to our family and our home. You are a little ray of sunshine and a spoonful of sugar. I so much love being your mommy. I can't believe a year ago you weren't here. I can't imagine life without you now.

I love you baby girl!

Love,
Mama

Dear Maggie,

You slept through the night!!!!!!  I finally got to sing the song to you. It goes like this:

Good morning Maggie.
Good morning Maggie.
You slept the whole night through
and we're so proud of you!

Good job baby girl!

Love,
Mama

Mama's Plans

Dear Maggie,

I just rocked you to sleep. I read you a story and gave you a bottle and laid you in your crib. You started to cry. I soothed you and left your room. You cried more. I hated it. I have been trying to figure out how to help you with your sleeping and I think you need to learn to soothe yourself. But I hated to hear you cry. It didn't feel right. All day at work I missed you. I hated sending you off with Nicole today and I hated every minute I wasn't with you. And it seemed wrong that they little time we had together tonight should be spent in separate rooms, with you crying and me listening to you cry. So I decided to forget all the sleep books and do what I wanted to do. I picked you up out of your crib and rocked you. Holding you in my arms felt good. I felt miserable today thinking about how I am missing time with you because I have to work. I have plans for us, baby girl. Things haven't gone as planned so far, but I do have plans. And as I rocked you tonight I told you about all the plans mama has for you. Here are just a few. Mama plans:
to hold you, and kiss you and rock you a lot
to take you out in the snow and the rain to play
to have lots of fun birthdays, with parties and cake and balloons
to sew you cute clothes, and put cute shoes on your feet
to let you pick your own outfits
to listen to you talk
to do your hair, once you have hair I can do something with
to sing to you
to read lots of stories together
to take you to swim lessons and dance classes
to take you to story time at the library
to take you to play dates, and to have friends over at our house
to sew a tee-pee for you and your brother to play in
for you and your brother to be friends
to give you another brother or sister someday
to feed you lots of healthy food, and some food that is not so healthy but delicious to eat
to get down on the floor and play with you
to take you outside to watch the leaves fall to the ground
to love you forever, and ever, and ever, and ever

Talking about all the plans I have for you and me made me happy. It calmed my upset mood. And it must have calmed you too because you drifted to sleep in my arms listening to all the plans I have for you. Sweet dreams baby girl. I will see you in the morning (and probably the night) and I will do my best to make my plans come true.

Love,
Mama

Dear Max and Maggie,

This morning was crazy. It was crazy before your dad left for work and it just got crazier once I was on my own with the two of you. It started with a rough night. Max had a couple of nightmares, that also woke up Maggie. And Maggie had a few of her usual night wakenings, which also woke up Max. Yesterday I decided it was really time to make the binkies for Max for bed and car seat only. It went over well yesterday. But today it took more effort to enforce. And I wanted to throw in the towel, partly because it was so hard for Max on an already hard morning and partly because I am having my own emotional reaction to taking a step to turn my little man into a big boy. And I know that we need to figure out something for this sleep issue with Maggie. But between Maggie crying in her crib and Max getting his binki time in his no one really had any moments of much needed rest this morning. I did manage to get you both in a bath, at Max's request, and that part of the morning was fun. But then things went down hill again when I picked up Max's balnket to give it to him to help soothe him missing his binki only to discover that when Maggie had peed on the floor earlier in the morning she had also peed on Max's balnket. So I put it int the wash (and sad or not I really debated if that was the best option given the emotions of the day) and then for 30 minutes straight Max screamed "Blanket!" and was inconsolable while I put Maggie to sleep in her car seat because it was time to go to Nicole's house and work and she couldn't stay awake any longer to wait out the blanket washing fiascal. All moring I thought that if I had just one of you to focus on I could have done a bang up job. Surely I could get Maggie on a great sleeping routine if I wasn't also trying to help Max learn to self-soothe without a binki. And surely I could have provided good diversion for Max missing his binki if I didn't also have Maggie crying and rubbing her tired eyes at my feet. This morning was not our best moment as a threesome, but it wasn't really an exception to our normal time together. So while I know it is hard for the two of you, especially at your little ages, to not have my undivided attention I hope that it makes up for it that I gave you each other.

This Thanksgiving all my siblings and their families were able to be together except Amy and her family who we missed dearly. Together we had such a great time. We really enjoyed eachother's company. Of course we have some moments of disagreement and irritation, but we truely are all friends and very supportive of each other. And I love it. I absolutely love spending time with my siblings. I so much hope, and everythingshort of demand, that the two of you and any other siblings you may have someday are friends. Actually, I demand it. As your mother. I demand it because I want you to have the very best in life and I believe that good sibling relationships are the very best that life has to offer. Please, be kind to each other. And have fun together! Lots of it.

Also at Thanksgiving my siblings and I talked about how our parents are getting old and it is hard to see them struggling medically and how sad it is to know that they won't be with us on Earth forever. Sometimes when I am busy taking care of the two of you I think about how my mom did the same thing for me and my siblings not so very long ago. And now that phase of her life is past. I believe she loved it. I believe she always wanted to be a mom and loved taking care of all of her kids. I love it too. Even on crazy days like this morning, I love it with all my heart. And I am so grateful I get to experience it. And I know it won't last forever so I try my best to cherish each moment. Even the crying and the pee blankets and the no sleep moments. Dear Max and Maggie, I hope you always know that having you in my life is the best part of my life and I love every moment of it.

Love,

Mom 

Dear Maggie,

I love you. And I just wanted to say it.

Love,

Mom

9 Month Check-Up

Dear Maggie,

Today I took you to see Dr Fox for your 9 month check up. You are growing! Today you weigh 17.5 pounds and are 26.75 inches tall. That means you are in the 20th percentile for weight and the 16th percentile for length. I think you are just perfect! You were very busy during your appointment. You are always very busy. It made Dr Fox smile to see how much you move. He also said that he is a sucker for big blue eyes like yours. Dr Fox has a daughter they call Maggie who shares your Birthday so all around he is pretty taken in by you. It is not hard to do - be taken in by you. You are so smiley. And you give good cuddles. My heart melts when you lean your sweet little body into mine. I really do love you so much! And I feel so happy when I take you places like I did today and I get to carry you around as you smile and coo and bring smiles to the faces around you. The only issue we had to discuss was that you aren't the best sleeper. But it is okay, we will figure it out. I'm so grateful that you are a healthy little girl. And I am so, so grateful that you are mine!

Love,
Mom